To Spencer -

There are moments when I forget that you're gone. Carried away by laughter, the song of a bird, the breeze dancing through my hair; lost in the moment, seduced by life; I forget. Listening to music driving in the car... working, writing, doing all the things that occupy my time...

Then I remember and time stops.

I feel and it hurts.

And I don't want to feel that hurt.
Tears roll down my face.
I know they are forms of love,
but they're not the ones I want to have right now.

They say that time heals all wounds. No it doesn't. Time teaches us to learn to live with what we've been given--experience grows around the wounds; surrounds them with other things.
Often times, beautiful things; sons and daughters, friends and lovers, laughter, love, music, beauty, and creatures. All loving, all kind, all precious.

But...you are not here. I cannot touch your face. I cannot hear your voice. I cannot see your wonderful smile and hear the laughter that made my heart dance. I cannot see you doing funny little dances like a smurf, or watch you play basketball - moving like you're seven feet tall.

Except in my mind.
I have memories.
I have beautiful memories.
Without them I would die.

I love my memories. They are wonderful. In them I can touch your face and hear your voice. In my memories I can see you smiling, and laughing, and being your wonderful you.

In my memories I can feel the joy and the love and the special moments that we shared together in this life, and I am so grateful for every one of them, and for every moment that I had with you in this physical world; from your birth to your death, and now beyond.

I miss you Spencer, and I love you, and I wish that you were here in your body.

It's almost Thanksgiving. You're not going to sit at the table. But, you are at the table in my heart every day. And I sit with you there I we reminisce.

We remember together the fun we had, and the special moments where time stood still and life seemed too good to be true, and we laugh, and we cry, and we give thanks for each other, grateful that our love is eternal and forever it shall go on.

Still, I cry my tears of sorrow and love, as that is how it is.

I am eternally grateful that you blessed me with your beautiful presence in this life.

I love you and I miss you.
Mom